Helloween for Christians!

Hello there, fellow children of God. Dr. Minister Josiah Phibes back again after hiatus. Recent tragic experiences have kept me from my blog for sometime now, but I am absolutely healed and ready to get out there and burn some sinners. And speaking of sinners, that leads me to today's sermon: Helloween.

Helloween approaches us very quickly. In fact, just over twenty-five days left until all of the children of the world go out to play in Satan's playground. But before I tell you what you should do on Helloween, how about a little history of what Helloween is actually about - a history lesson, if you will.

Helloween was started in 1951, shortly after WWII, but unfortunately before the Godly Senator Joseph McCarthy started making his rounds and weeding Communists, Satanists and Wiccans alike from our constituency. The unholy holiday was started by two men, Allen Schwartz and Franklin O'Reilly (no relation to the glorious Bill). Their intent in starting the unholiday was so that once per year, Jews and Gingers alike could wear masks, and therefore, would be treated as though they were real people with souls, instead of the Lord's ecumenical leftovers like they really are. This led not only to a Ginger president, the socialist, communist, and satanist known as JFK, and even eventually led to the Jewish takeover of Hollywood and the media one Helloween at a time (thanks to Rick Sanchez for the reference).

Now, over half a century later, we're dealing with the repercussions of this slow and gradual takeover, not only by having to deal with John Stewart on the Daily Show and being forced to sit through Stephen Speilberg movies, but also with our new gay-Ginger-godless-Jew-darky-Kenyan-born president, Barack Houssein Osama. But I digress...

Here is a list of things to avoid so that nobody mistakes you for a sinner this Helloween:

Pumpkins!

The pumpkin is a sinful fruit/vegetable thing that represents the hellfires of HELL! The pumpkin is orange. Orange is the color of fire. Not fire when it's really hot or fire when it's really cool, but fire when it's just in the middle - just right. Orange, you could say, is the Goldilocks of fire. You should avoid any fruit or vegetable that is orange. This includes squash, pumpkins, but not oranges. Oranges are good. They originate from the home of Joe Scarborough, Kathrine Harris and Jeb Bush, the good and sinless red state of Florida (also the home of Koran burning). You should eat many oranges to make up for all those people carving pumpkins. Besides, have you ever actually tasted a pumpkin? I'll sit down and eat my watermelon and cantaloupe - you just go ahead and dig into a pumpkin.

Costumes!

Helloween is a time of costumes and masks, as well as a time where satanic women like to dress like whores. Among the most popular costumes this year are The Devil, The Grim Reaper and Osama Bin Laden. All symbols of the DEVIL! Avoid costumes altogether, but if you wish to infiltrate the sinners for any reason, keep this simple rules in mind. Dress as nothing that represents worship of false idols, i.e., Power Rangers, Family Guy, The Simpsons etc... Also, avoid sinful costumes such as the devil, reaper, ghosts, zombies (the only good one was the Lord), ghouls, vampires, werewolves, or any member of the cast of Glee. Be sure not to show any skin. Skin is not only the DEVIL, but it will also allow the Jews and Gingers to identify you at a later date because of decades of watching CSI and numerous other Jewish crime scene investigation shows. Don't wear a mask, because masks are the DEVIL! And last but not least, don't dress like an animal, as animals could be construed as a reference to the hoax known as (evil)ution.

Candy!

Thank you, Pat Robertson and CBN, for pointing out that there are many candies out there in the world that would signify the worship of the devil. Candies like Red Hots, Mike and Ikes and Snickers (I knew a girl once who...well, let's just leave it at that).

Anything scary!

Anything scary is the devil. This includes spiders, non-church organ music, blood, lizards, bears, skeletons, fire, and Al Franken.

Last but not least, keep yourself armed. The children have been programmed by Jews, Gingers and other Pagans to terrorize your home should you not give them candy. This is why the Lord wrote the Second Amendment. Shoot to kill in the name of the lord, as the good book of Leviticus says you should.

In the end, this holiday is a sick and twisted one that deserves no respect or tolerance. This Helloween, instead of listening to the Monster Mash, how about you try my new hit single from my album, The Menstrual Shack Attack, entitled "The Messiah Mash," which you can find below.

Minister Phibes Addresses the Ohio Jesus Incident

The Menstrual Shack Attack!

After the ALLEGED actions of last Friday, I've seen it fit to harden my image. That's why I've now formed a Christian Gang and released a new rap album that will surely be in your local carwash's $3.99 bin in a week. Here's the Menstrual Shack Attack by Dr. Minister Josiah Phibes!



My name is Dr. Minister Phibes,
I’m on the rise
In your eyes I see the passion of the Christ
I love Jesus, because he pleases
I love the way he hugs and squeezes, my
Jesus stick, as it gets slick with Christ love
I feel like heaven above, is
Around me, his holy reach-a-round the world
For all the little boys and girls
I’ll bust a cap in your ass
If you’re a homo or a pagan or you’re mowing your grass, on
Sunday, it’s a fun day
To throw stones at grinners and sinners!



I don’t like the darkies or the towlie-heads
Or the brownies in Cameros all wearing sombreros.
Or liberal man on man cut and runners
Or the anti-gunners
I drew Muhammad on the cover of the Koran
Praying to Jesus on a mountain of sand
I’ve burned 1,000 copies of The Stand
I hope you understand!

The Official God Blog Radio (Episode One)

Is Glee a Prophecy of Things to Come in 2012? Yes!

IS GLEE A PROPHECY OF THINGS TO COME?
YES, OF COURSE IT IS!

Exhibit A:

Lima, Ohio is the home of William McKinley High School which is the foundation of the series.  Now look at the two words “Lima,” and “Ohio." There are five integral ethnicities in “Lima, Ohio,” L-5=G.G is the seventh letter in the alphabet and if we take L+7 we sum with S. S combined with the second letter in the city’s name is SI, which is a joint in the back of humans. The back/reverse of I is R, which is the second letter in the word “Transubstantiation,” which is the act of a lesser being becoming and angel. To step to the top of the hierarchy would revert back to the letter A, which is also the first letter in the word, “Angel.” This leaves us at SA. Now if we take SA combined with the third letter in the city’s name, M, we get the name SAM, which is short for Samuel.Samuel was the leader of ancient Israel in the book of Samuel, who anointed Saul and David, the first two kings of Israel. Samuel's mother was Hannah, who was barren and childless, like Abraham's wife Sarah. Hannah prayed to God for a child. Eli, the priest of Shiloh, who is sitting at the foot of the doorpost in the sanctuary at Shiloh, sees her apparently mumbling and thinks Hannah is drunk, but is soon assured of her motivation and sobriety. He blesses her after she promises the child to God. Subsequently Hannah becomes pregnant; her child is Samuel. Samuel was an only child, leaving him to be the one child of Hannah. S+1 is T. This leaves us with SAT, but when combined with the fourth letter of the city’s name, we have SATA. Ohio was admitted to the United States on March 1, 1803, and was the first state to be admitted under the Northwest Ordinance. SATA+O-1 is SATAN. 

Exhibit B:

Ryan Murphy is the creator of Glee, and as any historian could tell you, Murphy is a modern form of the ancient Irish name "O'Murchadha," which means "descendant of sea warrior,"

Who else was a warrior you ask? The Ultimate Warrior, who clearly painted his face in the shape of a bird, which is significant to the ancient Christians that we call Mayans by the Quetzal bird. The Quetzal (Ket-zal) bird of Central America and the rattle snake shared the position of most revered creatures by the ancient Maya. This bird stood for prophecy, as the ancient Mayan prophecy of the end of days, as did the Mayan feathered snake god called Quetzalcoatl, whose insignia on the Mayan pyramid of the sun, foretold the end of days for the Mayans, and signifies the very day when the Spanish arrived to take them as slaves.  Upon doing so, the Mayans were unfinished with their calendar, thus ending at December 21, 2012, otherwise known as The Day of the Rapture.

CARL (P)AGAN'S COSMOS CORRECTIONS!

Today's blog by: Minister Josiah Phibes.


Minister Josiah is a graduate of The University of Jesus where he majored in biology/theology, and is now the senior professor of Biology. He is also the senior physician at St. God's Memorial Hospital, where he does the lord's work every day by saving lives and refusing visitation to dirty, vile homosexuals and their so-called loved ones.

I was just sitting alone and staring at the vision of our lord on the Cross, and it inspired me to read a book. However, this book was not my usual choice of literature (there was never a greater author than God in my opinion as well as yours). What I reached for was a book called Rivers of Eden. This may sound nice and Christian, but unfortunately, it was written by a non-church astronomer named Carl (P)agan. You see, this piece of literary sin was written with only one purpose; to blaspheme the church as well as factual and Christian Science-supported archaeology.

Carl Pagan has this hair brained idea that the universe is billions and billions of years old, and despite the bible’s factual and proven account of creation, claims that animals, namely fish and plants, were here for millions and millions of years before humans. We, of course, know this to be untrue as the book of Genesis clearly states as follows:

• First day: God creates light ("Let there be light!")^{[Gen 1:3]}—the first divine command. The light is divided from the darkness, and "day" and "night" are named.
• Second day: God creates a firmament ("Let a firmament be...!")^{[Gen 1:6–7]}—the second command—to divide the waters above from the waters below. The firmament is named "skies".
• Third day: God commands the waters below to be gathered together in one place, and dry land to appear (the third command).^{[Gen 1:9–10]} "earth" and "sea" are named. God commands the earth to bring forth grass, plants, and fruit-bearing trees (the fourth command).
• Fourth day: God creates lights in the firmament (the fifth command)^{[Gen 1:14–15]} to separate light from darkness and to mark days, seasons and years. Two great lights are made (most likely the Sun and Moon, but not named), and the stars.
• Fifth day: God commands the sea to "teem with living creatures", and birds to fly across the heavens (sixth command)^{[Gen 1:20–21]} He creates birds and sea creatures, and commands them to be fruitful and multiply.
• Sixth day: God commands the land to bring forth living creatures (seventh command);^{[Gen 1:24–25]} He makes wild beasts, livestock and reptiles. He then creates humanity in His "image" and "likeness" (eighth command).^{[Gen 1:26–28]} They are told to "be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it." Humans and animals are given plants to eat. The totality of creation is described by God as "very good."
• Seventh day: God, having completed the heavens and the earth, rests from His work, and blesses and sanctifies the seventh day.

Now, one might ask questions about this story of creation like, “Why, if man is only a day older than animals, how come non-church science shows a separation of hundreds of millions of years?” Answer: Because it’s non-church science. Or questions like, “If God created light on the first day but didn’t create the sun and the stars until the fourth, what then was this other source of light and where is it now?” The answer to that is pretty simple, God destroyed it immediately after so that Pagans who would ask such questions wouldn’t worship it and dance naked beneath it. Well, we saw how that turned out.

Carl Pagan’s book paints a very different story all together. In fact, he’d drawn up an actual cosmic calendar comparing the history of the universe within the time frame of a relative year calendar. It looks a little something like this:

Well, we can clearly see this is wrong. My friend Kent Hovind called me from prison just this morning to explain to me the actual history of the universe from the factual biblical account. And from this, I edited the photo above to make it NON-FICTION!

So, I’m sure you can see why these heathens in science are so confused about history. They just don’t get it. They for whatever reason feel the need to seek and try to explain things for themselves when the truth is right in front of their eyes. At least, it would be if they only picked up the good book and held it in front of their faces. After all, they've been trying to say there is no God for centuries, but I've been skimming my bible a lot lately and I can't find anywhere in there where it states there is no God, and if it ain't in the bible, it ain't true! Oh, and my friend Kent says, “Hello, I’ll be out of prison and not paying taxes again in no time.”

Thank you all for reading. God bless. In Jesus’ name we pray.

AMEYOWN!

THE CONSTITUTION IS DEAD

Today's blog by: Minister Josiah Phibes.


Minister Josiah is a graduate of The University of Jesus where he majored in biology/theology, and is now the senior professor of Biology. He is also the senior physician at St. God's Memorial Hospital, where he does the lord's work every day by saving lives and refusing visitation to dirty, vile homosexuals and their so-called loved ones.

Dear friends,
As all of you good Christians out there know, May 6th is the official National Day of Prayer. Or at least it was, until a Justice aptly named Barbara CRABB (an insult to the good Southern gospel group, The Crabb Family, if I've ever seen one) agreed with a nut-case organization named the Freedom FROM Religion Foundation and deemed the National Day of Prayer unconstitutional. A win for the devil if I've ever seen one.

The FFRF (or as I call them The BARFF as I don't myself have the "constitution" to sustain my lunch when I hear their devilish and heathenish words) is a sinful and secular organization from the state of WisconSIN that is apparently dedicated to once again started the very same War of Secular Aggression that America knew in the 1800s. You all would probably consider it The Civil War, but the North was hardly civil about it. They wish to strip us of our religious liberties and tear America away from its initial moral fibers and roots in Christianity. Now, one might argue that most of the founding fathers were atheists or theists at best and had no moral dedication to Christian values, but that's only one side of the story. And thank God for the state of Texas that children will no longer have such sin corrupting their minds.

But whether or not Jefferson, Madison, Paine, Washington and Mason were all opposed to Christian values, we're forgetting about the most important founding father of The United States of America: Jesus. And was there ever a better founding father than the lord Jesus Christ? I think not, my Christian friends.

So not to cut this short, but I'm personally heading out to protest this horrific travesty of oppression. I urge you all to join me as well. Grab your guns, your bibles and make sure your "Support our troops and fetuses" bumper stickers are straight on the back of your pick'em up trucks, because the more who rally in the name of God, the better likelihood of God using his power to overturn this decision, which I can't figure out why he hasn't already. But far be it from me to question the often confusing judgment of our lord.

In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost, we pray. Amen!